Permission to feel!

I feel like I’m completely stuck in limbo atm.

I’ve not been able to work since March when the pandemic kicked off. I usually work two jobs; one full time as a nursery manager of their two year olds room and also two nights a week as an aerial hammock teacher. When I left work in March I knew things were grave but thought I’d maybe be off for a month and then get back to work. Unfortunately that was not meant to be.

As an asthmatic I am in the government’s ‘vulnerable’ category. I would never class myself as vulnerable so it’s quite a strange category to be in. When nursery returned in June I was not able to because the decision was made for social distancing to be abandoned and for staff to work in bubbles instead. I completely agree that this is what is best for the children with them being so young but it meant I could not return.

I have been doing some work from home mainly ringing families that are not attending nursery atm. But there is a limit to how much I can work at home. With all this going on I find it difficult to feel.

Other people make me feel like I’m always wrong. It’s wrong to enjoy the time off work because I should be at work with my colleagues. It’s wrong to feel sad that I’m not at work because I should be thankful for the time off I have. It’s wrong to feel anxious about going back to work because that’s what I should be doing all along. It’s wrong to feel frustrated at society because everyone else has a lot to deal with. It’s like I can’t relax and make the most of my time because I’m always waiting. Waiting for the occasional work email, waiting for a friend to call, waiting for covid to disappear and waiting for normality.

Don’t get me wrong, at first I kept really busy, I decorated almost every room in the house and remodeled the garden. I sorted drawers and cupboards and cleaned everything. I worked with my aerial students to make a charity video to raise money for our local hospital. I did a lot of dog training with my two gorgeous dogs. But eventually you just have to stop. I was fed up and in a rut so I signed up for a ten day reboot with #girlswantsgains. It was great getting up to challenges and workouts and a lovely group of people to support you online.

But now I look to September and I should be returning to work. The government guidance has not changed so I worry what will happy when I’m not socially distancing. Have I wasted the last 3 months social distancing when I could have been carrying on? I guess noone ever knows and there’s a part of me that’s thinks everyone else is thinking that whilst I’m off and not ill I’m taking the Mick.

The guidance has not changed so I now await an occupational health assessment to see what measures I must put in place for my return. I honestly don’t think any of my colleagues understand what it is like for me and the thousands of people stuck in this random status quo.

I want to return to work desperately but yes I do feel anxious, I worry my colleagues don’t see the same level of risk that I do. I worry that in the rush and pressure of day to day that safety measures may slip. I worry that maybe they are right and if I stop socially distancing I’ll get ill and maybe give it to my diabetic husband. One of us could die! All of this is ‘what if’s’ and it’s what the media has said. Is it all blown out of proportion did all those thousands of people die through additional things.

So many questions and so few answers. I guess I just have to keep looking forward and hoping that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

How are you guys coping? Are you feeling in limbo?

Stay safe! X